Hypocrisy

Hello www, I pray everyone is well and happy. I was re-reading some of my past blogs, and the few comments posted. (Thank you, btw, to those who are kind enough to Read AND post comments.) While in review mode, I thought about what a friend said to me about my entry of the rafting trip entitled "Infantile Shananigans." When we talked about that particular blog, I said, "Well it's generated conversation, so there's something good that came from it." He replied quickly, "Yes, but do you want conversation about something bad?" At the time, I said no, but I think I should have said yes. Life isn't all rosy, funny, and upbeat. It is US (with God's help, of course) who make life rosy, funny and upbeat. I understand that there's already too many negative things that happen in our lives to be one of those who adds to it, but I also know that through discussion, even sometimes heated debate, we can work through issues, hopefully opening ourselves up to a greater understanding of the other person's feelings, thoughts and ideas. And, who knows, we may learn something about ourselves in the process as well. I was also 'accused,' in a fun way, of 'losing my edge,' in my blogs. I agree. Recently I was invited to a co-worker's bridal shower. Since we work together, I know there is some obligation I have in participating. Here are some of my issues with this affair. First of all, it's after work (but not at our school) and NOT during the week; it IS on a Saturday, at someone's house. Second of all, I don't particularly relish the thought of spending time outside of work with my associates. Yes, I care about my work team and wish them no ill will, but my time outside of work is just that: My time. We only work together. We aren't bff's, or family, or even sorority sisters. Also, at my job, everyone is pretty much a hypocrite, INCLUDING ME. Now, don't get me wrong, I generally care about people, my colleagues included. My concern, and I know I've expressed this in other blogs, is that my thoughtfulness isn't reciprocated. I'd like to think my caring isn't based on whether people return the consideration, but it is. Consequently, here's what I do: I care about people from a distance. I get hurt too easily knowing that people won't, can't, or aren't thinking of me, and I'm the only one giving. It's just human nature, I think, to want some reciprocation. Back to the shower. I said I would go. But when I began to think about it, I realized that I would only continue my hypocrisy by going. I am happy for this person and I pray that her marriage be a God-centered, strong one. (As some of you may or may not know, I am a prayer warrior when it comes to praying for marriages. I pray for marriages in general on a regular basis.) But my heart was not into this gathering. I was going to be spending money, a little more than I was comfortable spending, on someone I do not know that well. What could I do? Being the caring person I am, and one who clicks on 'yes' to evites way too quickly, oops! I was obligated to go before I could really think about what I'd done. Unfortunately I tried to lie my way out of it, couldn't stand the fact that I lied, came clean, and attended the event anyway. (I made it through the afternoon just fine: had some delicious cake, wished the bride-to-be much happiness in her upcoming nuptials, and continued with my weekend.) Through this experience, though, I think I've hit upon the reason why I am a hypocrite: It is difficult for me to be seriously close to several, and I'm talking 10 or more people, at a time. I also think this is human nature. I'm happy if I can give 100% to my family, one or two close friends, and my students! So, what may seem like hypocrisy really isn't. It's just that I don't have it in me to give 100% of caring to 100% of all the people in my life, ALL the time, which would be ideal. I pray I can do this, and it is a daily goal I pray God help me fulfill, but I have a fatal flaw: I'm human. Only God can do this, and easily! Another thought helps me deal with mine, and others, hypocrisy: it's something a wise woman once told me; 95% of people are flakes; the definition of flakes for me is this: not there for me when I need them to be (whether this is emotionally, spiritually, physically, or mentally). I understand too, I am not immune to being on the 95% side some of the time. My goal, however, is to be on the 5% most of the time, with God's help. With all of this realization, I am able to cut people slack when I feel like they are being hypocrites to me. I am also able to 'assume the best,' from the get go when I keep this in mind. :) Maybe this will help you do the same. God blessssss ya! :)